somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
