i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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