I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
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He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
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Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
why is half of my head shaved?
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