JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
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Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
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you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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