What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
