I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
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I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
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Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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