So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
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