I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
