i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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