this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Randomize
