You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
