My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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