Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
