I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Randomize
