he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
