her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
