I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
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Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
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My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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