My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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