I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
