Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Randomize
