nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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