Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I need moral support for this bender
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
