I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
We smell like vodka and hangover
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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