I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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