So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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