I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
