I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
