I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
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On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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