now i know why i became what i already was.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
