dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
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since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
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I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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