and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
