I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
