dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
