These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
