how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
