i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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