I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
