my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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