I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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