if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
