I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
whose ass print is on the piano?
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
