A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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