I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
