My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
