i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
