Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
