dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
