I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
The air was thick with penises
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
