Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
