Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
