The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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