You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
