She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.