I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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