Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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