all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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