chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm at about main and main street
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
