i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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