I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
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