I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
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